Purpose of a One Sided Conversation

So tonight I went to a party where i knew some of the people attending but most of them i wouldn't. As always i walk into parties very weary and kind of anxious because I tend to be an introvert. I made rounds and said hi to everyone i knew but not the ones i didn't because I am just an awkward person and I dont know how to just introduce myself to random people. After I was done talking to the host, who's birthday it also was, she went back to making her rounds.

After she walked away one of the people that live in the same apartment complex started talking to me, and it was mostly a one sided conversation because I would only chime in here and there. I found myself more listening to her talk and analyzing the way she talked, how the conversation was being lead and by why, indicators of inflection and facial movements. I found myself thinking about what was going through her head while she was talking. I was trying to read between the lines. Im not saying she was hitting on me or any kind of subtle attraction.

A lot of the times I am thinking one thing and saying another. Im not trying to hide an specific feeling or any deeper meaning. I tend to multitask when having a conversation. Even as I am talking my mind tends to wander in different directions, about the conversation, where this conversation is going and why do i have the nervous tick of always looking in a direction of something moving in my periphs.

As the night went on i talked to multiple people, or more like multiple people talked to me and I chimed in every once in awhile when it seemed appropriate. I feel more comfortable listening than I do talking and i find myself giving very empathic based on a mixture of my feeling and the feelings of the person I am talking to.

I dont know what the point of this story is but its super late and i just felt like writing. I need to do this more, and maybe thinking about the subject I am writing about a little more thoroughly and with purpose.

What does it mean to be a man?

First off, I am a subpar writer. What i write may be incoherent rants and random words strung together to looks like sentences.  The things i say may make sense to some and may not to others. But this part is just a disclaimer. Im starting this at 1:35 am and i'm tired. But I couldn't stop thinking about this subject matter. So here we go.

What does it mean to be a man? Thats probably a question that has no concrete answer. Its a very subjective term because being a man is probably different to everyone. My opinions on what it means to be a man may or may not be a popular one but its a belief and its something i have yet to see in myself. I don't believe I have reached my potential or have done anything to be consider a man.

Now when I say man I don't mean the act of being manly. Manly is a term like any other that can have a positive or negative outlook depending who you ask.. But being a man, in my eyes, can only be construed as something positive. Being manly in most peoples eyes is being strong and dominant. It is having power over the weak. At least this is how i feel most men and some women feel being a man should be.

But I dont think thats what being a man is all about. To me the title of man in the sense of a gender role is something that has to be earned.  Most guys that think they are men are really nothing more than boys who have thought reaching puberty or having sex for the first time makes them a man. These levels of bodily growth and vain experiences are not what make you a man. What makes you a man is in the honor of the word.

Being a man is something you must earn. It is something that can be earned at any time of your life. You become a man when some obstacle has been put in front of you, and you are so without hope it seems some bleak that you feel like you should give up. But being a man is rising to the occasion. It is doing the right thing even if you must sacrifice something you should hold so dear, yourself.

A man is someone who stands in the face of adversity and never waivers. A man is a hero who never backs down from doing the right thing, even if the right thing can cause emotional or physical damage. Becoming a man is a choice given to all but hardly taken. All males have a chance to become a man but it is something that can be frightening because our egos have enveloped us as a whole. '

I feel like I am starting to rant now and should probably go to bed. Most of the time my ideas are jumbled and I dont know how to express them very well. But I will leave you with one last thing, and I hope whoever comes across this blog takes the time to read what I have wrote and answers the questions:

What does it mean to be a man?